I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
I won't lie, I've had days where I wanted to escape and get high so bad.
Fighting that battle in my head is the worst.
Like a devil and an angel sitting on your shoulder.
Then I remember how far I have come and one thing I don’t want to ever change, is my sober date.
The other day one of my family members had surgery.
I went to there to drop off a present and check up on this person.
We sat and talk and I was told she had been given some pain pills, but they were nothing too strong.
I saw the bottle sitting on the table when I walked in.
The addict in me kicked in.
I continued walking.
But when I got up to go to the kitchen I glanced back at the bottle to see what it was.
Hydrocodone.
I can't really explain it, but I just got this taste in my mouth.
Like it watered.
And this happens whenever someone mentions a drug.
Adderall, my mouth waters.
Pain pills, it happens again.
Xanax, it happens again.
And again and again.
Whenever I see a prescription bottle I have to look at the label.
It's the addict in me.
I don’t know why, but I just do it.
It makes me sick to think it happens every single time.
It is so hard and that moment is the worst fight.
I have to fight to stay sober.
All I could do the whole time I was there was fight with myself.
I sat there and thought about how many ways I could take just one.
I thought about all the ways to get the bottle and sneak just one.
I thought about what would happen if I was caught.
I thought about all the ways I could get away with it.
Maybe she wouldn’t notice.
But then I thought about what would happen if they were counted once I left.
What excuse could I come up with then?
I used to be such a good liar, I could do it again.
They would probably drug test me if they found out or were suspicious and then what?
My kids.
What would my kids say if they knew I slipped?
They have been my number one fans.
They celebrate every single month I am sober with me.
They cheer me on.
I would lose everyone that I have gained back in my life.
I would lose everyone's trust again.
I would have to start all over.
I don’t ever want to feel like I did before.
I remembered the withdrawals.
I remembered that one is too many and a thousand is never enough.
I remembered the sickness.
I want to say I was there for an hour and a half.
It felt like forever.
Before I walked out and said goodbye I knew I had to say something.
All I said was " you know what? Addiction is a bitch!".
She knew exactly what I was talking about.
It felt good that I could open up and tell her that.
It was like I needed her to know at that moment.
Sometimes I can't fight this alone.
I am so lucky to have the support I do.
They keep me in check.
I don’t have to fight this by myself all the time.
Most the time I do though.
Sometimes it just feels like nobody really understands what my head goes through.
Just how rough addiction can be.
Sober or not.
I am hoping that as the time goes by it gets easier.
That some of these behaviors stop.
That the cravings will once be gone.
That I will never check the label of a bottle again.
Ever.
But I know some of that is too good to be true.
This really is a disease.
I made the choice to start using and now I have to live with this forever.
Addicts are so judged.
Unless you are one or were one, you just don’t understand the hell we live in.
I have faith that I will rise above all the negatives.
Hell, I almost have a year clean.
I am so damn proud of myself.
Never in 12 years did I make it that long.
So no matter how bad those thoughts come rushing through my head, the good wins.
It has to.
I will win against addiction.
I will continue to fight.
So to those who struggle and think "I can't do this", you can!
Don't give up.
You are a badass!
You have beat the odds.
I know it is hard, but just remember why you got clean.
Stay there, in that positive mindset.
It’s so easy for the devil to take over and win.
It seems like the easier route.
Because staying clean is the real challenge.
Anyone can pick up and use.
But everyone has a choice to keep pushing.
Keep fighting.
Keep giving hope to others.
Keep showing people that we do recover.
Choose how you want to live with this forever.
