Today I found our pictures. I want to burn them. I want to rip them to shreds. Instead I packed them away. I said goodbye. For one day our little guy will have something to hold onto. I hope he'll know how hard I tried. I cried as I could remember the days. The fake smiles on our faces. I felt the pain all over again. The arguments right before and after. The things you said. How you made me feel. How it still makes me feel. Your voice. Your tone. It haunts me. It plays in my dreams and sometimes keeps me up at night. I often wonder if it will ever go away. I know better. I often wonder if it ever keeps you up at night, Knowing you had someone who broke herself trying to fix you in every way possible. Who took your pain and made it all her own. How could you destroy someone who you claimed to love so much?
In the end, its like you won.
One day I will win and it won't bother me anymore.
I won't fix my hair before walking through the door because you said someone must have messed it up.
I wont rush when going places because you said I took too long.
I wont cringe at the sound of a loud car thinking its you, back to torture me some more.
I wont look for any stains on my clothes that you might be able to make a story out of.
I wont look in the mirror and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
I want so badly to be free of you, forever.
I remember crying on the kitchen floor with my knees on the floor barely being able to breath.
I remember the day you woke me up with both your fist around my neck because you said you saw me sleeping with someone else. You were so high.
I remember the nights you wouldn’t let me sleep because I wouldn’t let you have sex with me. You would follow me to every room. "If I can't sleep, neither can you" and just writing that sent chills down my spine and made me sick.
How can you treat someone like shit and then expect to get your dick sucked at the end of the day? That still baffles me.
I remember the night I took you out for your surprise birthday. How you blacked out and put my head through the front door and it shattered. I should have listened to everyone and left then. But I LOVED you and made every fucking excuse for you.
I remember the nights I just gave in to just get it over with. Spare the argument. I'd bawl myself to sleep while you slept peacefully next to me.
I remember working to death because it was better than being home. Now I can't wait to get off and pick up my kids.
I remember the morning I woke up to your accusations and I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to the bathroom and locked myself inside and tried to take my own life. Because I couldn’t escape you.
I remember all the nights you left me crying, wondering why I was never good enough.
You just left me there. Alone.
Fuck you for that.
I remember everything I said always turned into an argument. Eventually, I just stopped talking.
You took my voice from me.
I remember the days you just took off and disappeared with no contact and then came back and blamed me for it.
Every little thing was somehow always my fault.
You never did anything wrong.
To this day you still believe that.
I have no good memories because they were nothing but lies.
The bad is embedded in my brain forever.
Your voice.
Your smirk.
Your stance.
Your eyes.
Have you ever looked into the eyes of a narcissist?
There's nothing there.
Empty.
No soul.
No sympathy.
I'll never forget the day I learned to walk away.
I had to keep it a secret.
I knew that you would try get to me stay.
Manipulate me some more.
Here I am a year later.
You’ve snuck in my house and I've woke up to just you standing there and trust me I have never wanted to kill someone so bad.
I wonder if you will ever leave me alone and let me just live my life?
You still try to get me.
All this rushes back.
I will never forget it.
I will never forget how you made me feel.
I can look at you and smile now though, knowing that you will never get a piece of me again.
It brings me a sick joy.
I'm not one for revenge, but I will admit it feels good to know you will never know just how much you really destroyed me.
You don’t deserve that kind of joy.
The scars that I will live with forever.
I can still smile.
I can breath.
I can fucking breath.
That is most refreshing.
I hope that every single person whoever goes through this has the courage to walk away.
I'm still here.
Still healing.
One day at a time.
