Yesterday was rough. Like I wanted to throw in the towel. Wash my hands. I thought for a long time. What would I be showing any of them if I did. Where is the love in that? Everything that I have been trying to do and teach them would have been a lie. For nothing. I felt like I failed. Honestly, the moment I fail is that moment I give up. So it just came to me. I called my oldest to the kitchen and this is what I said: I've never raised a teenager before and its one of the hardest things I've done. I get it though. Just like I have boundaries, you are just learning yours. Just like I am still learning to deal with life, feelings, and emotions, so are you. I respect that. We are going to fight and today is not going to be the last time. I'm okay with that. I have to keep in my mind, that when you are an adult and you look back at your life when you are older, and doing great things, because you will, that you are going to be like damn my mom was right. She did the best she could and you will one day be a great damn dad, and I cant wait for the day you call me because you feel how do I right now. So, I know these next few years are not going to be easy. We are going to fight and honestly I feel like at one point we are going to box because you push me to that point. Just know that I love you so damn much and want nothing, but for the best for you. You are going to hate me at times and I have to be okay with that. That just means I am doing my job. But we have some of the best damn times like right now here in the kitchen. I love you. We'll try again tomorrow.
Long story short, he had done something really dumb. I don’t know if it's a boy thing because I've never been one. I was so upset because I was very proud of myself that I didn't yell in the situation, like I usually would. After it all boiled, I went to talk to him, and found a note in his room. I panicked because I didn’t know where he was. Like, at this point I felt defeated as a parent. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. We talked later and I told him that had he have just came to me and told me "hey I really want to go for a walk to think about my actions" I would have told him yes because I understand more than he knows.
Raising teenagers is fucking hard. They know everything. They are going to mess up and we have to let them. How will they ever learn if we are their holding their hand each time? They are going to test boundaries. They are very emotional human beings. Why? This is new to them. I couldn’t imagine being a teenager in this day and age. So, I'll be here for it. We can have a love hate relationship, because I know that this wont last forever.
Now I'm not ready to do this 4 more times I will tell you that. I don’t have a choice. Like I've said before and ill keep saying it, I'm so glad I got sober and turned my life around so I can be this parent for them. We can continue to have these conversations. I will not give up. We'll keep figuring it out together.