I'm afraid if I stay here, I will end up losing the very last piece of me.
I don’t mean death.
The last piece of me that I feel I have left.
How much grief is one suppose to take?
Most would probably say that that’s just life. To some yes, but I know that I am not alone in this feeling.
It seems just so never ending anymore.
All my life it's always been like this.
It's not always bad either, but usually in my world when its bad, its really bad.
I have fought so hard through everything that I have faced.
I have righted my wrongs.
I finally got sober.
I'm not always a saint. I've done things I'm not proud of, but I also realized that I didn’t want to be that type of person.
I love life.
I am alive.
My kids are healthy.
But I'm tired.
I give my all in everything that I do.
I love with everything I have.
I feel everything.
Honest.
Loyal.
I feel for others.
I think about everyone else.
I forgot about me.
I was reminded of that recently.
I said when I got out of rehab that this was it.
I got it this time and nothing and nobody is standing in my way.
Start over with fresh with everyone.
It had it challenges but we made it.
One last chance.
Family. They are suppose to be your everything.
So I tried to tell myself anyways.
Seems like everyone's true colors really showed.
Rehab didn’t just change me, the whole family changed.
Good and bad.
Some wore masks though.
Great actors.
Too bad some people can't change no matter what.
It's nice to finally have a clear mind and be able to see all the bullshit for what it really is.
One tore a piece of me I can't get back. I don’t want it back though I just never seen it coming.
My heart still hurts. That feeling in your chest when its just crushed.
Caught off guard.
Let down.
Not even a soul to defend us. You'd think we'd be use to that by now.
I refuse to continue to allow the extra bullshit in my life.
The hurt.
The fucking pain.
The wishing for a god damn fucking family.
The having to figure all this adult shit out on our own.
Toxic.
Toxic.
TOXIC.
Toxic don’t live in this last piece.
The last person took it with him.
I will not be put down especially when I'm already down.
I will not be disrespected. By ANYONE.
I definitely will not allow someone to be bogus in any kind of way to my kids.
I will not go where I don’t feel welcome.
I will do things the way I handle them.
I'm not them.
I will never be them.
I almost was them.
They almost had me.
And here I am feeling bad. For something someone else did.
That’s the problem.
It reels me back.
Not this time.
I have to be stronger.
I am strong.
I know what real family is.
Siblings.
I've had them all my life.
We break the cycle.
We save ourselves.
Hold on to that piece.
Its sacred.
Its everything you ever wanted.
It just took this long to realize it.
Some things have to be let go so that you can grow.
Heal.
Live.
Be fucking happy.
Because after you’ve been through the trenches being fucking happy is the one thing you deserve.
Take that last piece and run with it.